Sex is very important to teenagers. They daydream about it, fantasize about it, and worry about it. To a parent, they may seem as if they know it all, but trust me: being a teenager today isn’t all that different than it was when you were a teen. Sexuality is exciting, confusing, scary, titillating, and embarrassing -- just like it was when you were 16.

Psychologists say that becoming a sexually healthy adult is a key part of adolescence. During the early teen years, children mature biologically into adults, developing the capacity to bear children themselves. Teens experience their first adult--like erotic and intimate feelings, and almost all teens will begin to experiment with some sexual behaviors, alone and/or with a partner. They also develop a stronger sense of who they are as a man or a woman (gender identity) and a stronger sense of their own sexual orientation -- whether they are homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual.

Contrary to the impression conveyed in the mass media -- and sometimes at home as well -- teens really do want you to talk to them about sexuality issues. Your teenagers need you. They want to hear your values; they want you to help them make good decisions; they want you to be involved with their lives.

In survey after survey, teens say that they are happy to talk with their parents about sexuality, HIV/AIDS, dating, and relationships. Yet many parents let their children down. Almost four in ten parents have neglected to talk to their teenage children about relationship issues and about becoming sexuality active. Fewer than half have talked to their children about how to prevent pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases if they do become sexually active.

The good news is that talking to your teens about sexuality can make the difference. In a study of more than 12,000 teenagers from around the country, researchers at the University of North Carolina and the University of Minnesota found that parental guidance matters. When teens feel connected to their parents, the chances that they will be involved in risk behaviors -- from drinking to drugs to violence to unprotected sexual intercourse -- all go down. This research suggests that physically being with your children at key times of the day -- when they wake up, after school, at dinner, and at bedtime –- makes a difference, but not as big a difference as whether your teenage children teen feel you love them and care for them. The North Carolina and Minnesota researchers also found that in homes where parents give their children clear messages indicating disapproval of teens having intercourse, those teens are more likely to delay becoming involved in sexual intercourse.

Other studies have indicated that in homes where parents and teens talk about sexuality, the teen is more likely to wait to have intercourse and more likely to use contraception and condoms when he or she does become sexually experienced.

Parents often tell me that they don’t know which topics to discuss with their children. My list would range from dating to alcohol and drugs to setting sexual limits to contraception. See the sidebar for a more complete list.

Just as with younger children, look for teachable moments to bring up these topics. If you read a story about gay rights or sexual harassment in the morning newspaper, bring it up at dinner for a family discussion. Rent a video and watch it with your teens and discuss it afterwards. Talk with them before they go out on the weekend. Share a book together and talk about your feelings about the characters. Get to know their favorite music and television shows and talk about their themes.

Lastly, make sure you are talking with your teen, not at them. I like to tell parents: "what teenagers need most is a good listening to." Let your teen know that you want to hear what they are thinking and feeling. Share your feelings and values, and practice listening to theirs. Your teenagers need and want your guidance, your advice, and your involvement in their lives.