In the beginning of a passionate relationship, it's easy to be insecure. We want someone else so much that we want to be reassured we are equally desired. If we have even the slightest reason to believe our feelings of love or attraction aren't returned in full, we can act as if possessed by a demon. Our questioning can become inquisitional. We can do things we never thought we were capable of, like go through our beloved’s pants pocket or call on the phone and hang up if he or she is home at the wrong time--or if the wrong person answers!

Some might call this behavior love, but it isn’t--it is temporary insanity. Forgivable, perhaps, in its rare occurrence--but never commendable. Jealousy, in truth, is not love but a form of insecurity, low self esteem, and emotional self-indulgence. Even more than all of that, jealousy is either an insult to one's partner, since it is an active state of distrust, or it is an insult to our own dignity: Why should we be so bananas about someone who we think doesn’t love us enough to tell the truth--or who doesn't give us the attention we deserve?

In other words, far from being flattering, jealousy is a sign that either the relationship is out of kilter, or one or both of the partners is. My take: Either someone trusts you or they don’t. Either you believe in them, or you should get out.

Why would I suggest getting out? First, the stress and pain that jealousy causes, and second, the danger it presents.

The stress is reason enough. The jealous person is high-maintenance and can’t be reassured. Your privacy is violated. And the relationship is always on trial: you start “walking on eggshells" because you never know what might send a jealous lover spinning into misery. This is serious wear and tear on your psyche.

But even more important is the issue of danger. Rather than diminishing with time, jealousy often grows. The more invested a jealous person gets, the more scared--and therefore the more possessive he or she becomes. This kind of person is likely to systematically cut you away from family and friends for fear that others might give you an unflattering perspective on the relationship. They need all of you. This kind of possessiveness can be an unquenchable appetite and can lead to rage, and possibly physical or emotional abuse. If you break up, the jealous lover may not be able to bear it. And suddenly, you may have a stalker.

It is so much better, obviously, not to let things get to this stage. If you have a very jealous lover--or if you find yourself becoming seriously insecure and jealous--it's a sign that something is wrong. It’s not flattering--it’s nasty. If the problem can’t be solved with a few firm words about privacy and trust now, end the relationship. Persist, and you will probably regret it.