Bodies, Beauty Norms, and Beds: Keeping It All in Perspective
When worry about body image affects our sex lives, writes couples expert Pepper Schwartz, PhD, it's vital to maintain perspective.
Okay, our fantasy life turns to the subject of sex, and we're thinking of Mr. and Ms. Average Body, and...
No! That's not the image! The image in our heads is Mr. and Ms. Model Body. Bodies without flaps, cellulite, or sags. Bodies that are perfectly muscled and look like poetry in a mirror. And secretly, maybe not so secretly, we believe that any bodies that don't look good in a mirror shouldn't be in bed at all.
This, of course, is a fairly crippling philosophy in terms of sexual health. If we don't think our bodies make the grade, it can be tough to lose our inhibitions and express ourselves sexually. In fact, because of this vision of perfection that only a few achieve, many people find themselves undressing under blankets, turning the lights out, or feeling unable to participate with a liberated sexual soul.
Our embarrassment can be severe and sometimes lasting, even in a long-term relationship. I remember one woman who told me that she was so shy about her body that she taped all the windows in her bedroom so she could render the room pitch black—you couldn't even see a person standing before you. "Once," she said, ruefully, "I leaped for the bed and missed it. But I just can't make love if I can be seen."
This rejection of the body we live in has all kinds of consequences. Some women, for example, tell me they won't make love in positions that would expose them from behind or exaggerate their bellies. Men have told me they make love with a T-shirt on because they think they are too skinny or too hairy. Individuals of both sexes have told me they cannot bear to look in a mirror while making love, even though the idea is sexy and they know their partner would love it.
If people can't enjoy their bodies, what's the reason? It's usually not because the body doesn't work, but rather because it looks like most bodies do: a little asymmetrical, not particularly muscled, or perhaps endowed with what might be seen as too much or too little of something.
Sexual health, however, means loving your bod—not being blind to its flaws, but not concentrating on them either. Sexual health means being able to use that body and love what it does for you—and for your partner. Don't let the phantom presence of Mr. and Ms. Bad Body get in the way. This isn't mere platitude. If you allow yourself to feel sexy, you will appear so. And the results can be phenomenal.
