The ride home from the hospital was a blur. Our new family of three hit the front door, and I made the mental checklist: The crib was put together. Burp cloths and onesies were washed, folded and ready to go. Heck, I’d even installed all those outlet covers. When it came to our baby’s needs, I had everything covered. So why did I feel so unprepared?
“No matter how much people try to prepare you, becoming a parent is always full of surprises,” says Yvonne Gustafson, Ph.D., Parent Consultant of the Elizabeth Blackwell Center at Riverside Hospital in Columbus, Ohio. One important rule for surviving postpartum challenges seems simple enough before delivery, but often gets lost among the earliest mounds of newborn diapers: taking care of mommy is one of the best ways to take care of your little one.
Let’s face it, at a time when it feels impossible to move your focus from your bundle of joy long enough to brush your teeth, it may seem easier said than done. Still, keeping in mind even a few of the new mom survival tips below can help you make it through with your sanity (and your oral health) intact.
Let the healing begin
Literally. “They don’t call it ‘labor’ for nothing,” says Dr. Gustafson. “Often, the sleep patterns of moms-to-be are disrupted both before and after they give birth.” So many of us expect to be sleep deprived the first few weeks, that we forget our bodies have physical healing to do following delivery. Even those with the easiest deliveries need time to let their bodies rest after the work of having a baby. That means sleeping (or at least resting) whenever possible.
Banish the guilts
Our society has so many of us vying for supermom status, it’s no wonder new moms can start to feel there’s something wrong if they’re not immediately in love with motherhood. “I just assumed that I’d have a strong connection with my newborn daughter the second she was born,” says Trish Pierce, mother of a toddler. “I felt guilty when it actually took a couple of weeks to feel like Kelsey’s mom.” Trish may be surprised that despite the images portrayed in movies and TV, her experience is common, if not the norm. Adds Dr. Gustafson, “The majority of parents I see did not experience ‘love at first sight’ with their newborns. For most, the attachment process grows slowly.”
In the first weeks following the birth of her son, Henry, Sherri Anderson sometimes just wanted her pre-mom life back. “I remember being riddled with guilt for wishing I could go on a date with my husband, hide out at Starbucks or just watch reality TV.” The key to handling the guilt, says Dr. Gustafson, is facing and accepting any feelings of disappointment you may have. “It can be overwhelming to realize that you’ve committed to this little person without knowing all the areas of your life he or she will impact,” she says. “It’s important to acknowledge those feelings, then realize you can and will be a caring, competent mother anyway.”
Forget the to-do list
The day I left work for maternity leave, I assured everyone that I’d be available via phone and email to help with any professional issues that might arise. I couldn’t figure out then why my mom friends all shook their heads, but I sure did once I tried addressing even one birth announcement.
“A lot of new moms are shocked at how hard it is to get projects done at home,” explains Dr. Gustafson. Some are caught off-guard by how often they’re called upon to respond to the needs of an infant. “Even women who’ve had significant practice with infants from babysitting may be more drained by the emotional reactions to doing the same tasks for their own children.”
The “sleep when the baby sleeps” rule is an oldie but goodie. Remember to focus on getting your rest first, even if it means ordering a pizza for dinner instead of cooking a perfectly balanced meal for you and your spouse. That pile of dishes and the vacuum cleaner will still be there when you’re more rested. Besides, they give the ones you love ideas for how to help. Which brings us to the next tip…
When they offer help, say “YES!”
Most of those visiting you and your newborn do not expect to be entertained. In fact, they usually want to be helpful to you. The key is remembering to take advantage when the offer is made. “All I wanted was for some one to hold the baby so I could shower,” remembers Trish, “I was just too shy to ask.” Often, explains Parent Consultant Gustafson, the help you need has nothing to do with the baby at all. Don’t be afraid to speak up and ask for help with meals, laundry, even a quick diaper run to the store. Once they ask how to help, encourage friends to check in periodically before they hit the grocery store in case you need anything. When you’re ready to leave the baby with friends or family, you’ll be surprised how even ten minutes to walk alone around the block can lift your spirits.
Ask for breastfeeding help sooner than later
Breastfeeding seems natural enough, but many new moms are surprised that getting the hang of it may mean getting outside help. Most delivering hospitals offer access to lactation specialists available for consultation. If breastfeeding is difficult or painful for either mom or baby, it’s essential to seek help right away, before physical discomfort from cracking or blistering becomes serious or infected.
Surround yourself with people
It’s amazing how lonely it can feel to join the vast sisterhood of moms. Perhaps the hardest things to do is break out of the cycle of new mom social isolation. If left unchecked, though, the urge to stay alone indoors can exacerbate almost all the stress of being a new mom. Once your pediatrician has approved it, make it a point to take the baby out once a day. “I remember one mom telling me she went to the mall almost every day—she kept just enough money for a drink in her pocket so she could socialize without overspending.” You might be surprised at how easily an infant draws attention from other moms, grandparents, even other babies. If nothing else, getting out in the world is a good reminder that other moms struggle with crying babies and the diaper-bag-infant-carrier-shuffle just like you.
There are all sorts of options for more organized socialization. Dr. Gustafson suggests contacting your delivering hospital, local worship community, school district, even your child’s pediatrician for parenting groups for families at your stage of development. You might also check community agency referral directories and national organizations like PRO-MOM, and the National MOMS clubs.
